Broken

I have been broken down in a way I haven't been broken before. For the last couple of months I have felt distant to God. It was such a weird feeling. I felt like I have really been trying to make the choices and have really been putting a lot of things in his hands. I have tried to be less egocentric and figure out what he wants me to do. I believe everything that has happened to me lately and the decisions I have made have all happened for a reason. I just did not understand how I could feel worry-free and knowing that God would get me through and also so distant at the same time.

I have been so excited about being worry-free and putting trust in God but I have gone in the wrong direction. I got to the point where I had such a big head. That I was doing everything right and I that I know so much more than everyone else. I thought I figured out how life was supposed to be lived, and although in a way I did, I still have not fully surrendered, although I really liked to think I did.

Over the last week God has been breaking me down piece by piece. Last night while singing to him I felt him really break through for the first time in awhile. I really felt him with me and felt moved by it. I felt him really with me after I admitted a major thing that is keeping me from him. Something I have been hiding from others and trying to hide from God (now that's just silly). Opening him up to him last night about one of my major problems was a step in opening him up to him tonight and learning about one of my other flaws..

Tonight I just felt empty. I was searching for anything to occupy my mind. At one point I just felt this urge to pray. To let God come to me and speak to me, telling me what I need to hear. What he said was that I am not perfect. I mean, I knew I wasn't (and am still no where close to being) perfect. I knew I had a couple of major flaws and a few minor ones, but hey, who doesn't? I thought despite my flaws and drawbacks, I really did have things under control. Those bad things only consumed part of my life, not all of me. And those aren't even things I let a lot of people see.

God completely broke me down. My uncontrollable crying made me realize that I am human, and it is impossible to be strong all the time and handle everything on my own. I need to rely on God more often. Now, more than ever, I need to remind myself that I'm not perfect. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but i need to look at things in perspective. No, I don't have everything figured out, and that's okay. No I'm not "better" than anyone else. God is currently teaching me that. He is coming inside of me.

I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how much different I feel after really opening up to Jesus. There is this calmness that overwhelms me. I know he is with me and loving me. I need to remember that I can't get into his kingdom on my own. I need to lean on him. Take my burdens to him and not try to fix everything myself. I love it when he breaks me down.