The Search

I've hit some type of low. I think. Lately, I've felt this void. I feel lost. A couple of months ago I was on an amazing spiritual journey. I have believed in God ever since I can remember, but it took me a long time to really form a relationship with him. In the last year, I have done that. Every few weeks I felt like I had reached a whole new level in my relationship. He's constantly teaching me. This spring, I went really amazing places on that journey. I was vulnerable and open and listening and excited. I was praising God daily. He was showing me so much and I thought I would never loose that high.
The last month has been a lot different. I've gone days without praying. God isn't in the center of my life. I have been mostly happy, but really joyful. I knew something was missing, but I didn't have the engergy or a strong desire to search for it. The last week or so, I've started my search. It has been off to a slow start. A few prayers before bed, a couple of journal entries, and a worship song or two thrown in.
The thing is, I really shouldn't have to search. God is right here with me. I know that. I just need to open myself up to him. I have to want to do that. I go back to the things I loved when I was really open to God, the things that could always bring me amazing joy, and look for him there. I feel like that must be the easiest. The only reason those things were really joyful was because I was open, I had a soft heart and would let God shape me. I know he's still with me and guiding me. I wouldn't be searching for him right now if he weren't.
I need to remember why I love having him in the center of my life. It may not be easy to surrender everything to him, but I never regret it when I just take my burdens to him and forget my pride and just let him guide me. I think God is taking me to a new place on my journey through this. I am learning how to open myself up to him. It is easier to have a community for support and encouragement, but right now I'm in a foreign country. I'm not going to church weekly, or worshiping with a few hundred other people who are excited about Christ, but it is still totally possible, and welcomed, to have a close relationship with my savior. I don't need other people in order to be close to Him. I can praise him everywhere. He can work in my life here just as much as he does at school.
I just need to remember that he is always with me. He always wants to guide me. He wants to help me and see me grow. His love is unconditional. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is always best to have him in the center. Life is just better that way.