Here am I

I heard an amazing story tonight. I won't go into all the details, but the girl who told her life story had a very difficult childhood. She was abused, addicted to various substances by the time she was in middle school, and was feeling really lost. She found God when she was 12 and surrendered to him. She didn't share her story with anyone until about a year ago. She was taking a shower one day, praying to God. Asking why she could no longer suppress what happened to her when she was young. Why did she feel like she needed to get it off of her chest and tell someone. She fell to her knees, crying out to God "Why?" And he answered "Because I want all of you."

This story really got to me. Not only because I had no clue what had happened in this girl's past but because what she has gone through recently. The image of her on her knees crying out to God and him giving her a clear answer is engrained in my brain. This image really breaks me. I feel God breaking me down so that I am so vulnerable and open to him. It is easy for me to say that I know that he wants all of me. He wants me to praise him in every part of my life. It is easy for me to say that I want to give my life to him and work for His glory. It is easy for me to do nice things for other people. It is easy for me to give most of my life to God. I really do fool myself, letting myself, and hopefully others, think that I have this all figured out. I tell myself I am doing all that I can to show God's great love and to praise Him.

It is the few times when I really open myself up and let God in that I realize just how wrong I am. Maybe I do want to be the girl who completely gives her life over to God, but I guess I don't want it as much as the things that really keep me from surrendering fully to him. I am giving myself to God a little bit at a time. I am not too worried about my future because I know he will lead me, I am not worrying as much about my own plans. I do kind things for others so that I can show them Christ's love. I pray to God and ask him to help me better understand what he wants me to do with my life.

The biggest problem is that I am not always completely open to God. I have been on a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. I have great times in my life that will last for days, or sometimes only hours or minutes. During these times I let God completely take me over. But after the excitement wears down, I am back to my old habits. I spend so many more hours on facebook and watching movies than I do with my Savior. I will lay on the couch for hours instead of doing something to help others.

I am not saying I need to give up everything in my life but I need to look more closely at what is keeping me from God. I need to not just give him my life in part, but in whole. I need to think about things that seem so small, but I know are really huge barriers between myself and Jesus. I need to be honest with myself and others about my priorities in life. I need to stop worrying about what I want to be doing or what I think is best for me and let God take me over. I know the times when I am truly surrendered, only if it is even just a few minutes, is when I feel the best because I feel so free and without fear. I need to know that God is with me every minute, he is even there in my sin.

The thought of giving even more of my life to God is so exciting to me. I need to remember this excitement and let myself grow even closer to Him.

What is love?

I have been broken down by good many times lately. The times when I truly find God and completely open myself up to him are when I am praying alone, praising him through song, or having heat-felt discussions with others. Each time God breaks me down, he gets deeper and deeper inside me and I surrender a little bit more each time.

The times in my life when I feel the best are the times when I am completely open to him. I am completely honest with him and myself and he is talking to me. I know God is calling me to devote my life to him. This may be a process that takes me awhile, but it really does excite me. I really have no clue what He wants me to do with my life at this point. I do not know what kind of career I will have or when I'll start a family. Although I do get anxious and impatient at times, I am never worried about what will happen. i know God will always be with me. I am learning what things are really important to me and which things aren't.

My heart for mission work is growing constantly. I'm not sure if it is something I want to make a 'career" out of, but nothing excites me more than the thought of working with people overseas and spreading God's amazing love, especially if I am with children. I am learning why it is so important to go spread love other places.

A speaker at Cru a couple of weeks ago told us his definition of love and it really opened my eyes to what love truly is. He said he thinks love is wanting the best for others. It seems incredibly simple and obvious, but I never thought of it that way. Yes, I've always tried to make the people I care about happy, but I still never thought of it this way. I really want to tell others about how Jesus loves us. How he wants us to have great lives and join him and heaven. It is truly amazing to praise him and I want to share that.

He is always there

I have been up and down a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. A year ago or so I really found Jesus. I always God was there and praised him, but I never really had a close relationship with him. It was so hard to start my relationship at first. I was terrified to listen to what God had to say because I knew he would tell me to change my ways, or listen to His plans for my life rater than my own. I was too scared to be that open with him because I was too scared. When I finally started letting God in it got less and less scary. I am still full of regret and shame at times when I open myself up to God, but now I know how truly amazing it is to be completely vulnerable, so it is getting easier.

I definitely still know how to ignore God, though. One thing I like to forget is that God is even with me when I sin. I do things that I know are sinful, making bad decisions, and I like to make myself think that God is not there with me, I'm completely on my own, doing what I want to be doing and I can ask for forgiveness later. It is so easy for me to find God at times when I am really excited or really down and I have an amazing connection with him, but I find it hard to think about him when I know I am being sinful.

I need to be more devoted to my prayer life. I don't want it to just become something I do as a routine, but it is something I want to do daily. At times when I start and end my day with prayer I feel so free.

I now truly understand the meaning of "the truth will set you free".