Here am I

I heard an amazing story tonight. I won't go into all the details, but the girl who told her life story had a very difficult childhood. She was abused, addicted to various substances by the time she was in middle school, and was feeling really lost. She found God when she was 12 and surrendered to him. She didn't share her story with anyone until about a year ago. She was taking a shower one day, praying to God. Asking why she could no longer suppress what happened to her when she was young. Why did she feel like she needed to get it off of her chest and tell someone. She fell to her knees, crying out to God "Why?" And he answered "Because I want all of you."

This story really got to me. Not only because I had no clue what had happened in this girl's past but because what she has gone through recently. The image of her on her knees crying out to God and him giving her a clear answer is engrained in my brain. This image really breaks me. I feel God breaking me down so that I am so vulnerable and open to him. It is easy for me to say that I know that he wants all of me. He wants me to praise him in every part of my life. It is easy for me to say that I want to give my life to him and work for His glory. It is easy for me to do nice things for other people. It is easy for me to give most of my life to God. I really do fool myself, letting myself, and hopefully others, think that I have this all figured out. I tell myself I am doing all that I can to show God's great love and to praise Him.

It is the few times when I really open myself up and let God in that I realize just how wrong I am. Maybe I do want to be the girl who completely gives her life over to God, but I guess I don't want it as much as the things that really keep me from surrendering fully to him. I am giving myself to God a little bit at a time. I am not too worried about my future because I know he will lead me, I am not worrying as much about my own plans. I do kind things for others so that I can show them Christ's love. I pray to God and ask him to help me better understand what he wants me to do with my life.

The biggest problem is that I am not always completely open to God. I have been on a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. I have great times in my life that will last for days, or sometimes only hours or minutes. During these times I let God completely take me over. But after the excitement wears down, I am back to my old habits. I spend so many more hours on facebook and watching movies than I do with my Savior. I will lay on the couch for hours instead of doing something to help others.

I am not saying I need to give up everything in my life but I need to look more closely at what is keeping me from God. I need to not just give him my life in part, but in whole. I need to think about things that seem so small, but I know are really huge barriers between myself and Jesus. I need to be honest with myself and others about my priorities in life. I need to stop worrying about what I want to be doing or what I think is best for me and let God take me over. I know the times when I am truly surrendered, only if it is even just a few minutes, is when I feel the best because I feel so free and without fear. I need to know that God is with me every minute, he is even there in my sin.

The thought of giving even more of my life to God is so exciting to me. I need to remember this excitement and let myself grow even closer to Him.