I'm in awe.
After a 14 hour day yesterday and going through some personal struggles last night, I woke up in a great mood. God has been speaking to me all morning and I am just embracing it.
While walking on campus this morning, I got to thinking. I see people around me getting grumpy and just tired and annoyed because it's a stressful time of year for school work. We're ready to be done, ready for a break, and ready to just not have the pressure of school work weighing us down. Why did I wake up in such a great mood?
Last night I was struggling with God and with myself. I got it into my head that I have to have a great man in my life in order to be fulfilled. I justified this thought with thinking: "I only desire a man who knows Christ and will encourage me and my walk with the Lord." I get in my head that NEED a man in my life. And there are times when I get so upset and feel alone and even get upset with God. I get it in my head that God doesn't know what he is doing and the way my life is right now isn't the way it is supposed to be.
There have been a lot of times in my life when I've felt like this. And I was so upset that I felt sick last night. Then, something changed. I decided to really talk to God about my feelings. I decided not to just get upset with Him and close Him out. I almost instantly felt better. I realized that God really is giving me everything I need to be fulfilled. I'm not saying that I don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend or get married, it's just not in the plan for this moment. It may happen in a week or it may happen in 20 years. I really don't know. God has put this desire in my heart for a reason, but He has a great plan for who he'll put in my life in when.
This morning I thought of the situation even more and was amazed. I thought of how deep God's love is for me and was overwhelmed by this feeling. I feel like I need love and attention from a human, but I am already loved by God. God loves me more than any human ever can. I put a lot of energy into friendships and relationships with other humans who are far from perfect. Even seemingly perfect humans have big problems and make mistakes and disappoint others. God has never truly disappointed me.
God is always here with me. He loves me unconditionally. He is there to help me through any struggles I am having and gladly welcomes me back in his arms after I have ran and tried to hide from Him. How can I be overcome with worry, disappointment, or anger when I think of this great love?
I know I will continue to be disappointed with myself and others. I will continue to get stressed out and worry. But I am finding just how easy it is to forget about that worry when I just hand over all of my struggles to God. I want to learn how to let go of things I want total control over. It's silly that it's so hard to give up control when I perfect, loving God wants to help me through everything. Feeling that love is so comforting and brings such a pure joy.
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