Thankful

I've seen people on Facebook having a new status update each day of November saying something that they're thankful for. I kind of thought I'd do a similar blog post. I may not think of 24 things right now but here are some of the top ones I can think of (in no particular order):

 1. Jesus Christ- He died for me. That's pretty amazing.

 2. Good Music- I love music. Listening to music can be relaxing, encouraging, or just fun.

 3. Parents- I have the best parents in the world. They have done a lot for me throughout my life and are really supportive. They let me make my own decisions but are always there to help when I make mistakes.

 4. Opportunities to Travel- I LOVE to see the world. Wether it's exploring a town in the midwest or spending a summer in Europe, I love to explore new places.

 5. Sister- I love having a sister! She's a wonderful person and I laugh more with her than with anyone else. I'm lucky to have the sister that I have.

 6. Friends- I don't know what I would do without my close friends.

 7. My Jobs- I work for great families. I love babysitting. Spending time with sweet little children can always put me in a great mood. I love being able to see the young children learn and grow.

 8. Wedding Blogs- I had to say it. Style Me Pretty is great. And not to mention the engagement videos...

 9. Good Instructors- Throughout college and even high school I've had some pretty great teachers. I have learned a lot of useful information from experienced instructors.

 10. Days on which I can sleep in- It rarely happens these days, but not being able to set an alarm is a nice feeling.

 11. Extended Family- I have been blessed with a great family. My family is small, but there's a lot of love.

 12. Italian Family- I love my Italian family! I got to spend the summer with a great family and got to see how people of another culture live. It was a great growing experience.

 13. Christian Community- I'm blessed to have encouraging people in my life. People to learn from and to grow with.

 14. Hugs- I love being close to people. Hugs are always fantastic.

 15. Grace- I really don't deserve anything, but I am unconditionally loved and I am saved.

 So, there it is. Just a few things I'm thankful for.

How Deep the Father's Love

I'm in awe.

After a 14 hour day yesterday and going through some personal struggles last night, I woke up in a great mood. God has been speaking to me all morning and I am just embracing it.

While walking on campus this morning, I got to thinking. I see people around me getting grumpy and just tired and annoyed because it's a stressful time of year for school work. We're ready to be done, ready for a break, and ready to just not have the pressure of school work weighing us down. Why did I wake up in such a great mood?

Last night I was struggling with God and with myself. I got it into my head that I have to have a great man in my life in order to be fulfilled. I justified this thought with thinking: "I only desire a man who knows Christ and will encourage me and my walk with the Lord." I get in my head that NEED a man in my life. And there are times when I get so upset and feel alone and even get upset with God. I get it in my head that God doesn't know what he is doing and the way my life is right now isn't the way it is supposed to be.

There have been a lot of times in my life when I've felt like this. And I was so upset that I felt sick last night. Then, something changed. I decided to really talk to God about my feelings. I decided not to just get upset with Him and close Him out. I almost instantly felt better. I realized that God really is giving me everything I need to be fulfilled. I'm not saying that I don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend or get married, it's just not in the plan for this moment. It may happen in a week or it may happen in 20 years. I really don't know. God has put this desire in my heart for a reason, but He has a great plan for who he'll put in my life in when.

This morning I thought of the situation even more and was amazed. I thought of how deep God's love is for me and was overwhelmed by this feeling. I feel like I need love and attention from a human, but I am already loved by God. God loves me more than any human ever can. I put a lot of energy into friendships and relationships with other humans who are far from perfect. Even seemingly perfect humans have big problems and make mistakes and disappoint others. God has never truly disappointed me.

God is always here with me. He loves me unconditionally. He is there to help me through any struggles I am having and gladly welcomes me back in his arms after I have ran and tried to hide from Him. How can I be overcome with worry, disappointment, or anger when I think of this great love?

I know I will continue to be disappointed with myself and others. I will continue to get stressed out and worry. But I am finding just how easy it is to forget about that worry when I just hand over all of my struggles to God. I want to learn how to let go of things I want total control over. It's silly that it's so hard to give up control when I perfect, loving God wants to help me through everything. Feeling that love is so comforting and brings such a pure joy.

I'm Back

I haven't written in a LONG time, so this will be a long (and pretty random) one...

I've experienced a lot over the last year.

I have had some of the best moments of my life and I have gone through some pretty difficult times. God has been there with me through all of it.

Tonight, one of my non-Christian friends asked me what I have learned and experienced over the last year after I told her that my relationship with Christ has really changed. That question made me think.

I didn't really have a super difficult life before I came to know Christ. I wasn't really depressed and I was a seemly good person. I was just an average "Christian" college girl.

Before I started really walking with Christ I filled my time with "good" and "Christian" things. I went to church multiple times a week, went on mission trips, fed the homeless, etc. I felt pretty great about myself.

I think because I did these good things and I didn't commit any of the "big" sins I thought I was golden.

Over the past couple of years I have really been opening up to Jesus Christ. I have learned that walking with God is something way better than just going to church and good deeds. It is giving up my life to the one who died for me. Although I go through hard times, I have a friend always there with me.

Although I try to ignore God at times and follow my own plans, I know that he has a great life planned for me. I have seen what he does when I just give my plans to Him. I still can't comprehend why I try to hold things back from God. I have never been disappointed after surrendering to Him.

I love the way He has worked in my life the past few months. He prepared my heart this summer. I had a great time in Italy. I couldn't understand why God sent me there rather than to the mission field, and I still don't fully understand, but I have seen a lot of good come out of it. I got to experience a new culture and a new way of life. I got to prove to myself that I am able to leave the comfort of home and the people that I love in order to experience a new culture. It was hard to give my summer plans to God, but it worked out well in the end.

While in Italy, I pretty much had no Christian community. That was discouraging at times. I felt lost and alone, especially at the beginning. I felt no connection to God. I got swept up in the excitement and nerves of being in a new place and really lost my center. I would sit and beg God to just come and fill my life. Throughout the summer I grew. I learned how to find God when I didn't have a support system of other Christians.

Although being alone was good for me, it was great to come back to school and get connected with other college students who love Christ. I started off the semester with students from Germany who were here on a mission trip. Seeing their passion for Christ and spreading the word of God on this campus really helped me get ready for the school year. I realized all of the opportunities I have here at IU to share the love of Christ with others. It was an amazing realization.

I also got involved with Bridges International. I get to meet with international students each week and I have really learned a lot from this ministry. Before I got connected with Bridges, I felt really lost in Cru. I love spending time with international students. In general, it is easier for me to have conversations with international students and American students who are involved in the ministry. It is amazing to talk about the gospel with students who know almost nothing about Jesus and his life. It is exciting to see their excitement and when they doubt something, it really makes me think about why I believe what I believe. I have got to see a girl come to know Jesus and it has been a great experience for both of us. I have learned a lot from Cru staff as well as other students involved in the ministry.

Now, God has opened a lot of doors for me to be able to go back overseas next semester. It seems kind of crazy to take a semester off, but everything is working out so well at this point. I'm excited to get back to Europe. I have never been to Germany and I am ready to experience a new culture. It will be hard for me to leave Bloomington and the great things happening here, but I am sure God will open doors for me to experience great things in Germany, too. I want to go there with an open heart and open mind. I want to give this trip to God. There is a chance I can do campus ministry and be involved with Cru at a university near the town in which I will be living. I want time for personal growth. In Germany, I'll have more free time than I do here at school and I want to use that time to grow closer to Christ. I want to really dive into he Word.

It has been great to see what God does when I give Him my time and plans. I'm excited to see what he has in store for the future.

Where's the faith?

I took some quiet time yesterday just to think. I was thinking about the things I want in the future. I thought to myself "I hope my friend who is really great at praying prays for me and for my future". I know deep in my mind I thought that was going to be the only way my future will turn out like I want it to. (I know there is so much wrong with that.) Then I got to thinking deeper. I thought: "Why is she so great at praying?" Then I realized that the answer is simple. She has faith. Amazing faith. When she asks God for something, she really believes that he will provide for her and give her what she needs.
Planning has always been one thing I argue about a lot with God. I love to plan. I want to make a 10 year plan and see it happen just as I want it to. But I've learned God changes plans. Although I see it's always for the better, it's something that just angers me. So I've tried to just give up on planning. I think "Okay God, since you're going to change my plans anyway, I'll just give up." I like to sugarcoat it. I tell myself I'm great because I'm giving up my plans to follow God's plan for me. I really don't do it with a happy heart. And I don't have much faith at all when I do it. I still keep my own plans in the back of my head, even. I guess I think I can just use my plans when He fails me.
I read a friend's blog today and it gave me a lot of great insight.
This part of the passage really spoke to me:
"But thinking ahead and praying about big decisions or future plans is such a key part of trusting in the Lord with all your heart that I fear I am beginning to miss out on a deeper relationship with Him. By not praying about my big decisions and by trying to avoid all worry (or all thought) about the future, I am basically telling the Lord, 'Hey, even though you are all-knowing, all-powerful, and know what is best for me, I don't trust you enough with my future to tell you what I am planning for myself. Thanks for your interest, though!"
No, I don't need to make a 5 year plan. And I don't need to just give up, either. For the longest time I thought it had to be one of the two. I need to pray to God about what is on my heart. I need to go to Him with unwavering faith and ask Him to be my guide.

The Search

I've hit some type of low. I think. Lately, I've felt this void. I feel lost. A couple of months ago I was on an amazing spiritual journey. I have believed in God ever since I can remember, but it took me a long time to really form a relationship with him. In the last year, I have done that. Every few weeks I felt like I had reached a whole new level in my relationship. He's constantly teaching me. This spring, I went really amazing places on that journey. I was vulnerable and open and listening and excited. I was praising God daily. He was showing me so much and I thought I would never loose that high.
The last month has been a lot different. I've gone days without praying. God isn't in the center of my life. I have been mostly happy, but really joyful. I knew something was missing, but I didn't have the engergy or a strong desire to search for it. The last week or so, I've started my search. It has been off to a slow start. A few prayers before bed, a couple of journal entries, and a worship song or two thrown in.
The thing is, I really shouldn't have to search. God is right here with me. I know that. I just need to open myself up to him. I have to want to do that. I go back to the things I loved when I was really open to God, the things that could always bring me amazing joy, and look for him there. I feel like that must be the easiest. The only reason those things were really joyful was because I was open, I had a soft heart and would let God shape me. I know he's still with me and guiding me. I wouldn't be searching for him right now if he weren't.
I need to remember why I love having him in the center of my life. It may not be easy to surrender everything to him, but I never regret it when I just take my burdens to him and forget my pride and just let him guide me. I think God is taking me to a new place on my journey through this. I am learning how to open myself up to him. It is easier to have a community for support and encouragement, but right now I'm in a foreign country. I'm not going to church weekly, or worshiping with a few hundred other people who are excited about Christ, but it is still totally possible, and welcomed, to have a close relationship with my savior. I don't need other people in order to be close to Him. I can praise him everywhere. He can work in my life here just as much as he does at school.
I just need to remember that he is always with me. He always wants to guide me. He wants to help me and see me grow. His love is unconditional. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is always best to have him in the center. Life is just better that way.

Whose Plans?

Why do I have times when I'm silly and run from God. I think I know what is best for me when that is really not the case. I feel like this is a thought that consumes my mind. I am constantly fighting with God. I know I need to just have faith and trust that he knows what he is doing. I am constantly planning my future in my head. I think because I do so much thinking about it, I must know what is best. When God is trying to tell me to do something that is not in my set plans and out of my comfort zone, I doubt him. I know it is silly, but I do it often. I know it is really just best when I surrender and do what he has planned, but I'm always scared or too prideful to do that. So, one of my prayers for today and for my future is that I will remember who really knows what is best for me. I need to remember that it is good for me to step out of my comfort zone.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Oh, How He Loves

I am so thankful for the ways in which God has been working in my life recently. It is amazing how he makes things all work together for my good. It was amazing how he prepared me for the Every Student Sent conference a month or so ago and really amazing how he touched my heart while on the Chicago mission trip.

I had kind of forgotten about the mission trip until the week or so before. Before I went I really didn't feel like my heart was in the right place. I didn't know why I had signed up and was looking forward to it, but really didn't think I would get a whole lot out of it. I was glad to know it was a small group, thinking it would be easier to make friends for the week that way. At the meeting before the trip, the staff discussed what we would be doing while in the city. When they mentioned campus ministry, I got pretty worried. I didn't want to be one of those annoying freaks going up to people on campus. Although I was not excited about campus ministry, I was excited for the potential opportunity to work in daycares or schools.

When I met the people the first day, I thought everyone seemed nice and felt a little more excited about the trip. I was excited to learn that we were going to be spending the nights at a daycare and that the first two days I would work at a school and at the daycare at which we were staying. At our first meeting on Sunday night I got to thinking about the campus ministry. I knew that was one of the reasons that God sent me on this trip. I know talking to my peers about Christ is something I need to work on and I knew that God wants me to have the training that I need. And of course, he wants me telling others about his love!

I really enjoyed spending time with everyone on the trip. It was great how we all fit in together and that it really wasn't awkward to be around anyone one the trip. I'm usually really not good with people my own age, but I had some great conversations and made some amazing, encouraging friends on the trip. I felt like I could talk about anything with this group of people. We are all at similar stages in our lives and everyone was so loving and understanding. It felt like such a safe environment. I liked being able to have deep conversations with people I had just met without it being weird. I loved learning so much about everyone on the trip.

I enjoyed the first two days of service at the school and daycare. I loved being able to be close to so many amazing kids. My heart goes out to the children of the Roseland community. Many of these young kids have gone through much more than I ever have. These kids are blessed by the amazing people, like Ms. Pearl (the owner of the daycare), in the community. Teachers at the school have to act as both parents and educators for the children who have parents who do not care at all about their children's education. My heart breaks for these children. I am so thankful for the people who are loving them.

On Wednesday morning, the first morning of campus ministry, I was freaking out a bit. I had never gone up to strangers and talked about God before. I know that I am excited about God's love and love talking to others about it, but I was still worried about going up and bothering strangers. The last thing I want to do is make people hate Christians and scare them away from Christ. Because I was crying and freaking out, I ended up being paired with one of the staff members, Brandon. Before we went out to talk to people on campus, Brandon and Megan let me cry and prayed with me to help calm my nerves. After we walked around campus for awhile and got a bit more comfortable, Brandon and I went up to a couple sitting on a bench outside. I was really dreading walking up to them, but when we asked them if they would like to take a survey and talk about religion and God, they responded in a friendly way and agreed to talk to us. They told us that they were both Christians and that they were involved in church and love God. Eventually the boy started talking about how one of his friends asked him about God and Christianity a few weeks ago and he wanted to know how to talk to him about Christ. So, Brandon decided to go through the Knowing God Personally booklet (KGP) with them, so that he could read through it whit his friend. About halfway through the booklet the couple, along with Brandon and I, realized that they had never really fully given their lives to Christ and surrendered. After talking for about an hour and a half they decided to pray with us and surrender their lives to Christ. (Not to bad for my first time on campus ministry!) It was so exciting for all of us. I absolutely love sharing about Christ with others and I am happy to see that they want to change their life for Christ. We got to meet with the boy again the next day, and talk again for an hour or so. It was so great.

The second day I went sharing with Megan. We had a couple of good conversations with girls on campus. Although the girls that we talked to never really fully understood what we were saying, we did get to share some of the gospel with them. We had really good discussions, and Megan and I both faced some of our fears. After we shared Megan and I just got to sit and talk. She was so encouraging and let me cry and talk to her for a good half hour or so. She told me wonderful things and helped me with some of my problems. She told me how beautiful God has made me to be and just encouraged me.

Because of this week I have a better understanding of others as well as a better understanding of the gospel and God's love for us. My heart is in a totally different place and God is helping me through so much. I am really truly starting to know what it means to have total faith in God and trusting his plan for my life.

I have been so blessed by the people God placed in my life during this trip. There is so so much more I could say about this trip, but for now I'll just stop there. I am at a point in my relationship with Christ I have never been to before. I have been broken down and have been showed a beautiful love.