Why is it so hard to listen?

I am pretty lost right now. I keep on filling my life with things to keep me constantly occupied. My mind is full of things that don't really matter a majority of the time and I feel so scared to face the truth sometimes. I keep on planning out my life so that I can have total control over it. I have really turned into a planner over the last year. I try to plan out my day, week, and month far ahead of time and I always feel like I have to know what my friends and family are doing at all times also. The only time I feel like my mind is empty is when I need to be doing something that is actually productive, like homework. I get so caught up in things like facebook and planning my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend) rather than just taking time to slow down and listen. I constantly worry about whether or not I am doing the right thing that I don't even truly take time to listen to God. I don't know why I keep on coming back to this because I know the times when I really feel my best is when I abandon everything and really spend time with God. After spending quality time with God, the little things never seem as big as they did before. I know things will work out as they should and I shouldn't worry all of the time. I know I can't just sit back and watch God do all of the work but I need to start to listen a whole lot more and let him guide me rather than doing my own thing and hoping that it's right.

I spend a good amount of my time wondering if I am where I should be right now. I mean, what am I doing at a school with 40,000 other people? In a place that seems so big at times I sometimes feel alone. I'm not in a comfortable "bubble" where everyone has similar beliefs and values. I know I really need to get out of my comfort zone but sometimes it's so hard. I have met many people since I came here a year ago but haven't made one new real friend yet. That really makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I know I could try harder, but sometimes I don't feel like there's much of a point. Why do I want to force a friendship with someone I don't really click with? I know that sounds awful, but I have been blessed with truly great best friends so my standards when trying to make new friends are pretty high. I guess that's something I should think about a little more.

As much as I wonder if I'm in the wrong place, I really can't figure out where the "right" place is. I think of going to a Christian school but I really do not want to be stuck in a bubble. In a lot of ways my faith has grown so much in the last year. I'm sure if I were to go to a Christian school and be around be around more people I feel like I'm more like and people that I want to be more like, I could grow a lot, but I feel like I wouldn't grow much outside of that bubble. I haven't experienced it, so I don't know but I really don't feel in my heart that transferring to a Christian school at this point will answer my question. So for now, at least, I will stay here. It is just what feels right. I need to spend a whole lot more alone time with God, shed my fears, and really listen to what he has to say.

I am too tired to read back through this, so it may not make any sense. I think that would be okay, though. Not much makes sense to me at the moment.