Where's the faith?

I took some quiet time yesterday just to think. I was thinking about the things I want in the future. I thought to myself "I hope my friend who is really great at praying prays for me and for my future". I know deep in my mind I thought that was going to be the only way my future will turn out like I want it to. (I know there is so much wrong with that.) Then I got to thinking deeper. I thought: "Why is she so great at praying?" Then I realized that the answer is simple. She has faith. Amazing faith. When she asks God for something, she really believes that he will provide for her and give her what she needs.
Planning has always been one thing I argue about a lot with God. I love to plan. I want to make a 10 year plan and see it happen just as I want it to. But I've learned God changes plans. Although I see it's always for the better, it's something that just angers me. So I've tried to just give up on planning. I think "Okay God, since you're going to change my plans anyway, I'll just give up." I like to sugarcoat it. I tell myself I'm great because I'm giving up my plans to follow God's plan for me. I really don't do it with a happy heart. And I don't have much faith at all when I do it. I still keep my own plans in the back of my head, even. I guess I think I can just use my plans when He fails me.
I read a friend's blog today and it gave me a lot of great insight.
This part of the passage really spoke to me:
"But thinking ahead and praying about big decisions or future plans is such a key part of trusting in the Lord with all your heart that I fear I am beginning to miss out on a deeper relationship with Him. By not praying about my big decisions and by trying to avoid all worry (or all thought) about the future, I am basically telling the Lord, 'Hey, even though you are all-knowing, all-powerful, and know what is best for me, I don't trust you enough with my future to tell you what I am planning for myself. Thanks for your interest, though!"
No, I don't need to make a 5 year plan. And I don't need to just give up, either. For the longest time I thought it had to be one of the two. I need to pray to God about what is on my heart. I need to go to Him with unwavering faith and ask Him to be my guide.

The Search

I've hit some type of low. I think. Lately, I've felt this void. I feel lost. A couple of months ago I was on an amazing spiritual journey. I have believed in God ever since I can remember, but it took me a long time to really form a relationship with him. In the last year, I have done that. Every few weeks I felt like I had reached a whole new level in my relationship. He's constantly teaching me. This spring, I went really amazing places on that journey. I was vulnerable and open and listening and excited. I was praising God daily. He was showing me so much and I thought I would never loose that high.
The last month has been a lot different. I've gone days without praying. God isn't in the center of my life. I have been mostly happy, but really joyful. I knew something was missing, but I didn't have the engergy or a strong desire to search for it. The last week or so, I've started my search. It has been off to a slow start. A few prayers before bed, a couple of journal entries, and a worship song or two thrown in.
The thing is, I really shouldn't have to search. God is right here with me. I know that. I just need to open myself up to him. I have to want to do that. I go back to the things I loved when I was really open to God, the things that could always bring me amazing joy, and look for him there. I feel like that must be the easiest. The only reason those things were really joyful was because I was open, I had a soft heart and would let God shape me. I know he's still with me and guiding me. I wouldn't be searching for him right now if he weren't.
I need to remember why I love having him in the center of my life. It may not be easy to surrender everything to him, but I never regret it when I just take my burdens to him and forget my pride and just let him guide me. I think God is taking me to a new place on my journey through this. I am learning how to open myself up to him. It is easier to have a community for support and encouragement, but right now I'm in a foreign country. I'm not going to church weekly, or worshiping with a few hundred other people who are excited about Christ, but it is still totally possible, and welcomed, to have a close relationship with my savior. I don't need other people in order to be close to Him. I can praise him everywhere. He can work in my life here just as much as he does at school.
I just need to remember that he is always with me. He always wants to guide me. He wants to help me and see me grow. His love is unconditional. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it is always best to have him in the center. Life is just better that way.

Whose Plans?

Why do I have times when I'm silly and run from God. I think I know what is best for me when that is really not the case. I feel like this is a thought that consumes my mind. I am constantly fighting with God. I know I need to just have faith and trust that he knows what he is doing. I am constantly planning my future in my head. I think because I do so much thinking about it, I must know what is best. When God is trying to tell me to do something that is not in my set plans and out of my comfort zone, I doubt him. I know it is silly, but I do it often. I know it is really just best when I surrender and do what he has planned, but I'm always scared or too prideful to do that. So, one of my prayers for today and for my future is that I will remember who really knows what is best for me. I need to remember that it is good for me to step out of my comfort zone.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Oh, How He Loves

I am so thankful for the ways in which God has been working in my life recently. It is amazing how he makes things all work together for my good. It was amazing how he prepared me for the Every Student Sent conference a month or so ago and really amazing how he touched my heart while on the Chicago mission trip.

I had kind of forgotten about the mission trip until the week or so before. Before I went I really didn't feel like my heart was in the right place. I didn't know why I had signed up and was looking forward to it, but really didn't think I would get a whole lot out of it. I was glad to know it was a small group, thinking it would be easier to make friends for the week that way. At the meeting before the trip, the staff discussed what we would be doing while in the city. When they mentioned campus ministry, I got pretty worried. I didn't want to be one of those annoying freaks going up to people on campus. Although I was not excited about campus ministry, I was excited for the potential opportunity to work in daycares or schools.

When I met the people the first day, I thought everyone seemed nice and felt a little more excited about the trip. I was excited to learn that we were going to be spending the nights at a daycare and that the first two days I would work at a school and at the daycare at which we were staying. At our first meeting on Sunday night I got to thinking about the campus ministry. I knew that was one of the reasons that God sent me on this trip. I know talking to my peers about Christ is something I need to work on and I knew that God wants me to have the training that I need. And of course, he wants me telling others about his love!

I really enjoyed spending time with everyone on the trip. It was great how we all fit in together and that it really wasn't awkward to be around anyone one the trip. I'm usually really not good with people my own age, but I had some great conversations and made some amazing, encouraging friends on the trip. I felt like I could talk about anything with this group of people. We are all at similar stages in our lives and everyone was so loving and understanding. It felt like such a safe environment. I liked being able to have deep conversations with people I had just met without it being weird. I loved learning so much about everyone on the trip.

I enjoyed the first two days of service at the school and daycare. I loved being able to be close to so many amazing kids. My heart goes out to the children of the Roseland community. Many of these young kids have gone through much more than I ever have. These kids are blessed by the amazing people, like Ms. Pearl (the owner of the daycare), in the community. Teachers at the school have to act as both parents and educators for the children who have parents who do not care at all about their children's education. My heart breaks for these children. I am so thankful for the people who are loving them.

On Wednesday morning, the first morning of campus ministry, I was freaking out a bit. I had never gone up to strangers and talked about God before. I know that I am excited about God's love and love talking to others about it, but I was still worried about going up and bothering strangers. The last thing I want to do is make people hate Christians and scare them away from Christ. Because I was crying and freaking out, I ended up being paired with one of the staff members, Brandon. Before we went out to talk to people on campus, Brandon and Megan let me cry and prayed with me to help calm my nerves. After we walked around campus for awhile and got a bit more comfortable, Brandon and I went up to a couple sitting on a bench outside. I was really dreading walking up to them, but when we asked them if they would like to take a survey and talk about religion and God, they responded in a friendly way and agreed to talk to us. They told us that they were both Christians and that they were involved in church and love God. Eventually the boy started talking about how one of his friends asked him about God and Christianity a few weeks ago and he wanted to know how to talk to him about Christ. So, Brandon decided to go through the Knowing God Personally booklet (KGP) with them, so that he could read through it whit his friend. About halfway through the booklet the couple, along with Brandon and I, realized that they had never really fully given their lives to Christ and surrendered. After talking for about an hour and a half they decided to pray with us and surrender their lives to Christ. (Not to bad for my first time on campus ministry!) It was so exciting for all of us. I absolutely love sharing about Christ with others and I am happy to see that they want to change their life for Christ. We got to meet with the boy again the next day, and talk again for an hour or so. It was so great.

The second day I went sharing with Megan. We had a couple of good conversations with girls on campus. Although the girls that we talked to never really fully understood what we were saying, we did get to share some of the gospel with them. We had really good discussions, and Megan and I both faced some of our fears. After we shared Megan and I just got to sit and talk. She was so encouraging and let me cry and talk to her for a good half hour or so. She told me wonderful things and helped me with some of my problems. She told me how beautiful God has made me to be and just encouraged me.

Because of this week I have a better understanding of others as well as a better understanding of the gospel and God's love for us. My heart is in a totally different place and God is helping me through so much. I am really truly starting to know what it means to have total faith in God and trusting his plan for my life.

I have been so blessed by the people God placed in my life during this trip. There is so so much more I could say about this trip, but for now I'll just stop there. I am at a point in my relationship with Christ I have never been to before. I have been broken down and have been showed a beautiful love.

I'm don't think anyone actually reads this blog, which is fine, but just in case, I thought I would explain what I am starting. As I was getting ready to read my bible and do prayer journaling this evening I realized that I have misplaced my journal. I tried to figure out the best way to journal and I decided that I would try posting it on my blog. So, if someone else is reading it may be even harder to understand than my usual blogs because I tend to ignore all grammar rules and often don't have full sentences and I often write things that may not make any sense. I don't think that is much different from my normal blogs, but I just thought I would explain what I am doing anyway.

Broken

I have been broken down in a way I haven't been broken before. For the last couple of months I have felt distant to God. It was such a weird feeling. I felt like I have really been trying to make the choices and have really been putting a lot of things in his hands. I have tried to be less egocentric and figure out what he wants me to do. I believe everything that has happened to me lately and the decisions I have made have all happened for a reason. I just did not understand how I could feel worry-free and knowing that God would get me through and also so distant at the same time.

I have been so excited about being worry-free and putting trust in God but I have gone in the wrong direction. I got to the point where I had such a big head. That I was doing everything right and I that I know so much more than everyone else. I thought I figured out how life was supposed to be lived, and although in a way I did, I still have not fully surrendered, although I really liked to think I did.

Over the last week God has been breaking me down piece by piece. Last night while singing to him I felt him really break through for the first time in awhile. I really felt him with me and felt moved by it. I felt him really with me after I admitted a major thing that is keeping me from him. Something I have been hiding from others and trying to hide from God (now that's just silly). Opening him up to him last night about one of my major problems was a step in opening him up to him tonight and learning about one of my other flaws..

Tonight I just felt empty. I was searching for anything to occupy my mind. At one point I just felt this urge to pray. To let God come to me and speak to me, telling me what I need to hear. What he said was that I am not perfect. I mean, I knew I wasn't (and am still no where close to being) perfect. I knew I had a couple of major flaws and a few minor ones, but hey, who doesn't? I thought despite my flaws and drawbacks, I really did have things under control. Those bad things only consumed part of my life, not all of me. And those aren't even things I let a lot of people see.

God completely broke me down. My uncontrollable crying made me realize that I am human, and it is impossible to be strong all the time and handle everything on my own. I need to rely on God more often. Now, more than ever, I need to remind myself that I'm not perfect. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but i need to look at things in perspective. No, I don't have everything figured out, and that's okay. No I'm not "better" than anyone else. God is currently teaching me that. He is coming inside of me.

I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how much different I feel after really opening up to Jesus. There is this calmness that overwhelms me. I know he is with me and loving me. I need to remember that I can't get into his kingdom on my own. I need to lean on him. Take my burdens to him and not try to fix everything myself. I love it when he breaks me down.

Here am I

I heard an amazing story tonight. I won't go into all the details, but the girl who told her life story had a very difficult childhood. She was abused, addicted to various substances by the time she was in middle school, and was feeling really lost. She found God when she was 12 and surrendered to him. She didn't share her story with anyone until about a year ago. She was taking a shower one day, praying to God. Asking why she could no longer suppress what happened to her when she was young. Why did she feel like she needed to get it off of her chest and tell someone. She fell to her knees, crying out to God "Why?" And he answered "Because I want all of you."

This story really got to me. Not only because I had no clue what had happened in this girl's past but because what she has gone through recently. The image of her on her knees crying out to God and him giving her a clear answer is engrained in my brain. This image really breaks me. I feel God breaking me down so that I am so vulnerable and open to him. It is easy for me to say that I know that he wants all of me. He wants me to praise him in every part of my life. It is easy for me to say that I want to give my life to him and work for His glory. It is easy for me to do nice things for other people. It is easy for me to give most of my life to God. I really do fool myself, letting myself, and hopefully others, think that I have this all figured out. I tell myself I am doing all that I can to show God's great love and to praise Him.

It is the few times when I really open myself up and let God in that I realize just how wrong I am. Maybe I do want to be the girl who completely gives her life over to God, but I guess I don't want it as much as the things that really keep me from surrendering fully to him. I am giving myself to God a little bit at a time. I am not too worried about my future because I know he will lead me, I am not worrying as much about my own plans. I do kind things for others so that I can show them Christ's love. I pray to God and ask him to help me better understand what he wants me to do with my life.

The biggest problem is that I am not always completely open to God. I have been on a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. I have great times in my life that will last for days, or sometimes only hours or minutes. During these times I let God completely take me over. But after the excitement wears down, I am back to my old habits. I spend so many more hours on facebook and watching movies than I do with my Savior. I will lay on the couch for hours instead of doing something to help others.

I am not saying I need to give up everything in my life but I need to look more closely at what is keeping me from God. I need to not just give him my life in part, but in whole. I need to think about things that seem so small, but I know are really huge barriers between myself and Jesus. I need to be honest with myself and others about my priorities in life. I need to stop worrying about what I want to be doing or what I think is best for me and let God take me over. I know the times when I am truly surrendered, only if it is even just a few minutes, is when I feel the best because I feel so free and without fear. I need to know that God is with me every minute, he is even there in my sin.

The thought of giving even more of my life to God is so exciting to me. I need to remember this excitement and let myself grow even closer to Him.