What is love?

I have been broken down by good many times lately. The times when I truly find God and completely open myself up to him are when I am praying alone, praising him through song, or having heat-felt discussions with others. Each time God breaks me down, he gets deeper and deeper inside me and I surrender a little bit more each time.

The times in my life when I feel the best are the times when I am completely open to him. I am completely honest with him and myself and he is talking to me. I know God is calling me to devote my life to him. This may be a process that takes me awhile, but it really does excite me. I really have no clue what He wants me to do with my life at this point. I do not know what kind of career I will have or when I'll start a family. Although I do get anxious and impatient at times, I am never worried about what will happen. i know God will always be with me. I am learning what things are really important to me and which things aren't.

My heart for mission work is growing constantly. I'm not sure if it is something I want to make a 'career" out of, but nothing excites me more than the thought of working with people overseas and spreading God's amazing love, especially if I am with children. I am learning why it is so important to go spread love other places.

A speaker at Cru a couple of weeks ago told us his definition of love and it really opened my eyes to what love truly is. He said he thinks love is wanting the best for others. It seems incredibly simple and obvious, but I never thought of it that way. Yes, I've always tried to make the people I care about happy, but I still never thought of it this way. I really want to tell others about how Jesus loves us. How he wants us to have great lives and join him and heaven. It is truly amazing to praise him and I want to share that.

He is always there

I have been up and down a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. A year ago or so I really found Jesus. I always God was there and praised him, but I never really had a close relationship with him. It was so hard to start my relationship at first. I was terrified to listen to what God had to say because I knew he would tell me to change my ways, or listen to His plans for my life rater than my own. I was too scared to be that open with him because I was too scared. When I finally started letting God in it got less and less scary. I am still full of regret and shame at times when I open myself up to God, but now I know how truly amazing it is to be completely vulnerable, so it is getting easier.

I definitely still know how to ignore God, though. One thing I like to forget is that God is even with me when I sin. I do things that I know are sinful, making bad decisions, and I like to make myself think that God is not there with me, I'm completely on my own, doing what I want to be doing and I can ask for forgiveness later. It is so easy for me to find God at times when I am really excited or really down and I have an amazing connection with him, but I find it hard to think about him when I know I am being sinful.

I need to be more devoted to my prayer life. I don't want it to just become something I do as a routine, but it is something I want to do daily. At times when I start and end my day with prayer I feel so free.

I now truly understand the meaning of "the truth will set you free".

Why is it so hard to listen?

I am pretty lost right now. I keep on filling my life with things to keep me constantly occupied. My mind is full of things that don't really matter a majority of the time and I feel so scared to face the truth sometimes. I keep on planning out my life so that I can have total control over it. I have really turned into a planner over the last year. I try to plan out my day, week, and month far ahead of time and I always feel like I have to know what my friends and family are doing at all times also. The only time I feel like my mind is empty is when I need to be doing something that is actually productive, like homework. I get so caught up in things like facebook and planning my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend) rather than just taking time to slow down and listen. I constantly worry about whether or not I am doing the right thing that I don't even truly take time to listen to God. I don't know why I keep on coming back to this because I know the times when I really feel my best is when I abandon everything and really spend time with God. After spending quality time with God, the little things never seem as big as they did before. I know things will work out as they should and I shouldn't worry all of the time. I know I can't just sit back and watch God do all of the work but I need to start to listen a whole lot more and let him guide me rather than doing my own thing and hoping that it's right.

I spend a good amount of my time wondering if I am where I should be right now. I mean, what am I doing at a school with 40,000 other people? In a place that seems so big at times I sometimes feel alone. I'm not in a comfortable "bubble" where everyone has similar beliefs and values. I know I really need to get out of my comfort zone but sometimes it's so hard. I have met many people since I came here a year ago but haven't made one new real friend yet. That really makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I know I could try harder, but sometimes I don't feel like there's much of a point. Why do I want to force a friendship with someone I don't really click with? I know that sounds awful, but I have been blessed with truly great best friends so my standards when trying to make new friends are pretty high. I guess that's something I should think about a little more.

As much as I wonder if I'm in the wrong place, I really can't figure out where the "right" place is. I think of going to a Christian school but I really do not want to be stuck in a bubble. In a lot of ways my faith has grown so much in the last year. I'm sure if I were to go to a Christian school and be around be around more people I feel like I'm more like and people that I want to be more like, I could grow a lot, but I feel like I wouldn't grow much outside of that bubble. I haven't experienced it, so I don't know but I really don't feel in my heart that transferring to a Christian school at this point will answer my question. So for now, at least, I will stay here. It is just what feels right. I need to spend a whole lot more alone time with God, shed my fears, and really listen to what he has to say.

I am too tired to read back through this, so it may not make any sense. I think that would be okay, though. Not much makes sense to me at the moment.

Prone to Wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love.

These lyrics really get me. God is so amazing and I love him so much. Why do I act the way I do so often? I am always a negative person. All I do is complain and envy others and get so consumed with myself. I need to give my life to christ by living not just for myself. What is my life worth if I am so consumed with myself all of the time. I love helping others but it's something I need serve with pure humility. I always feel 1000x better when I just trust God with my life and not worry about little things on my own. Why can I not remember that?

To forgive, or not to forgive?

I heard a pretty amazing story at church today. Tom was talking about a revival that he preached at years ago in Illonis. Each night before he preached he would hold a prayer service, not many people would come but one lady was there every night praying with him. He thought she was sweet so he asked the preacher at the host church about the lady. Tom wanted to know her story.

The lady's name was Florence, I believe. She was married to a man, we'll call him Michael, for years. Michael was a construction worker and one time he was working on an apartment. The man, Jack, who lived above the apartment that Michael was working on was strung out on drugs and was annoyed by the noise that Michael was making while he was working so he went down and beat Michael to death with a hammer.

Jack ended up going to prison. A few weeks after he was in prison, Florence went to the prison, gave him her dead husband's bible and said "I forgive you." That made me cry. How could a lady go forgive a man who killed her husband. I can't forgive people for the smallest things, I don't think I would have nearly as much strength as she did.

Jack ended up becoming a Christian, and even a minister once he was out of prison. Jack and Florence were then friends.

I really wish I had the strength to forgive others. Who am I not to forgive? I am soooo far from perfect. God forgives me whenever I sin and other people forgive me to the bad things I do to them. Forgiveness is something I really need to work on.

I feel as though I've grown quite a bit closer to God in the last few months. I am still struggling, maybe more than ever, in some areas, but I am finding it easier to get through things. At times I am so negative, but I am finding it easier to change my negative attitude into a positive attitude. At times when I really am close to God, I feel incredible. I still really don't know what I am going to do with my life but I am searching for the perfect way to give my life to God. I am looking for the best way to praise him and tell others about how amazing his love is. There are many earthly things I love, but nothing gives me joy like he does. At times, I find it hard to open up to him because I don't want to give up the things I love, but I always feel so much better when I do.

Vivo en Dios

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