I'm don't think anyone actually reads this blog, which is fine, but just in case, I thought I would explain what I am starting. As I was getting ready to read my bible and do prayer journaling this evening I realized that I have misplaced my journal. I tried to figure out the best way to journal and I decided that I would try posting it on my blog. So, if someone else is reading it may be even harder to understand than my usual blogs because I tend to ignore all grammar rules and often don't have full sentences and I often write things that may not make any sense. I don't think that is much different from my normal blogs, but I just thought I would explain what I am doing anyway.

Broken

I have been broken down in a way I haven't been broken before. For the last couple of months I have felt distant to God. It was such a weird feeling. I felt like I have really been trying to make the choices and have really been putting a lot of things in his hands. I have tried to be less egocentric and figure out what he wants me to do. I believe everything that has happened to me lately and the decisions I have made have all happened for a reason. I just did not understand how I could feel worry-free and knowing that God would get me through and also so distant at the same time.

I have been so excited about being worry-free and putting trust in God but I have gone in the wrong direction. I got to the point where I had such a big head. That I was doing everything right and I that I know so much more than everyone else. I thought I figured out how life was supposed to be lived, and although in a way I did, I still have not fully surrendered, although I really liked to think I did.

Over the last week God has been breaking me down piece by piece. Last night while singing to him I felt him really break through for the first time in awhile. I really felt him with me and felt moved by it. I felt him really with me after I admitted a major thing that is keeping me from him. Something I have been hiding from others and trying to hide from God (now that's just silly). Opening him up to him last night about one of my major problems was a step in opening him up to him tonight and learning about one of my other flaws..

Tonight I just felt empty. I was searching for anything to occupy my mind. At one point I just felt this urge to pray. To let God come to me and speak to me, telling me what I need to hear. What he said was that I am not perfect. I mean, I knew I wasn't (and am still no where close to being) perfect. I knew I had a couple of major flaws and a few minor ones, but hey, who doesn't? I thought despite my flaws and drawbacks, I really did have things under control. Those bad things only consumed part of my life, not all of me. And those aren't even things I let a lot of people see.

God completely broke me down. My uncontrollable crying made me realize that I am human, and it is impossible to be strong all the time and handle everything on my own. I need to rely on God more often. Now, more than ever, I need to remind myself that I'm not perfect. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but i need to look at things in perspective. No, I don't have everything figured out, and that's okay. No I'm not "better" than anyone else. God is currently teaching me that. He is coming inside of me.

I don't think it will ever cease to amaze me how much different I feel after really opening up to Jesus. There is this calmness that overwhelms me. I know he is with me and loving me. I need to remember that I can't get into his kingdom on my own. I need to lean on him. Take my burdens to him and not try to fix everything myself. I love it when he breaks me down.

Here am I

I heard an amazing story tonight. I won't go into all the details, but the girl who told her life story had a very difficult childhood. She was abused, addicted to various substances by the time she was in middle school, and was feeling really lost. She found God when she was 12 and surrendered to him. She didn't share her story with anyone until about a year ago. She was taking a shower one day, praying to God. Asking why she could no longer suppress what happened to her when she was young. Why did she feel like she needed to get it off of her chest and tell someone. She fell to her knees, crying out to God "Why?" And he answered "Because I want all of you."

This story really got to me. Not only because I had no clue what had happened in this girl's past but because what she has gone through recently. The image of her on her knees crying out to God and him giving her a clear answer is engrained in my brain. This image really breaks me. I feel God breaking me down so that I am so vulnerable and open to him. It is easy for me to say that I know that he wants all of me. He wants me to praise him in every part of my life. It is easy for me to say that I want to give my life to him and work for His glory. It is easy for me to do nice things for other people. It is easy for me to give most of my life to God. I really do fool myself, letting myself, and hopefully others, think that I have this all figured out. I tell myself I am doing all that I can to show God's great love and to praise Him.

It is the few times when I really open myself up and let God in that I realize just how wrong I am. Maybe I do want to be the girl who completely gives her life over to God, but I guess I don't want it as much as the things that really keep me from surrendering fully to him. I am giving myself to God a little bit at a time. I am not too worried about my future because I know he will lead me, I am not worrying as much about my own plans. I do kind things for others so that I can show them Christ's love. I pray to God and ask him to help me better understand what he wants me to do with my life.

The biggest problem is that I am not always completely open to God. I have been on a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. I have great times in my life that will last for days, or sometimes only hours or minutes. During these times I let God completely take me over. But after the excitement wears down, I am back to my old habits. I spend so many more hours on facebook and watching movies than I do with my Savior. I will lay on the couch for hours instead of doing something to help others.

I am not saying I need to give up everything in my life but I need to look more closely at what is keeping me from God. I need to not just give him my life in part, but in whole. I need to think about things that seem so small, but I know are really huge barriers between myself and Jesus. I need to be honest with myself and others about my priorities in life. I need to stop worrying about what I want to be doing or what I think is best for me and let God take me over. I know the times when I am truly surrendered, only if it is even just a few minutes, is when I feel the best because I feel so free and without fear. I need to know that God is with me every minute, he is even there in my sin.

The thought of giving even more of my life to God is so exciting to me. I need to remember this excitement and let myself grow even closer to Him.

What is love?

I have been broken down by good many times lately. The times when I truly find God and completely open myself up to him are when I am praying alone, praising him through song, or having heat-felt discussions with others. Each time God breaks me down, he gets deeper and deeper inside me and I surrender a little bit more each time.

The times in my life when I feel the best are the times when I am completely open to him. I am completely honest with him and myself and he is talking to me. I know God is calling me to devote my life to him. This may be a process that takes me awhile, but it really does excite me. I really have no clue what He wants me to do with my life at this point. I do not know what kind of career I will have or when I'll start a family. Although I do get anxious and impatient at times, I am never worried about what will happen. i know God will always be with me. I am learning what things are really important to me and which things aren't.

My heart for mission work is growing constantly. I'm not sure if it is something I want to make a 'career" out of, but nothing excites me more than the thought of working with people overseas and spreading God's amazing love, especially if I am with children. I am learning why it is so important to go spread love other places.

A speaker at Cru a couple of weeks ago told us his definition of love and it really opened my eyes to what love truly is. He said he thinks love is wanting the best for others. It seems incredibly simple and obvious, but I never thought of it that way. Yes, I've always tried to make the people I care about happy, but I still never thought of it this way. I really want to tell others about how Jesus loves us. How he wants us to have great lives and join him and heaven. It is truly amazing to praise him and I want to share that.

He is always there

I have been up and down a spiritual roller coaster for the past few months. A year ago or so I really found Jesus. I always God was there and praised him, but I never really had a close relationship with him. It was so hard to start my relationship at first. I was terrified to listen to what God had to say because I knew he would tell me to change my ways, or listen to His plans for my life rater than my own. I was too scared to be that open with him because I was too scared. When I finally started letting God in it got less and less scary. I am still full of regret and shame at times when I open myself up to God, but now I know how truly amazing it is to be completely vulnerable, so it is getting easier.

I definitely still know how to ignore God, though. One thing I like to forget is that God is even with me when I sin. I do things that I know are sinful, making bad decisions, and I like to make myself think that God is not there with me, I'm completely on my own, doing what I want to be doing and I can ask for forgiveness later. It is so easy for me to find God at times when I am really excited or really down and I have an amazing connection with him, but I find it hard to think about him when I know I am being sinful.

I need to be more devoted to my prayer life. I don't want it to just become something I do as a routine, but it is something I want to do daily. At times when I start and end my day with prayer I feel so free.

I now truly understand the meaning of "the truth will set you free".

Why is it so hard to listen?

I am pretty lost right now. I keep on filling my life with things to keep me constantly occupied. My mind is full of things that don't really matter a majority of the time and I feel so scared to face the truth sometimes. I keep on planning out my life so that I can have total control over it. I have really turned into a planner over the last year. I try to plan out my day, week, and month far ahead of time and I always feel like I have to know what my friends and family are doing at all times also. The only time I feel like my mind is empty is when I need to be doing something that is actually productive, like homework. I get so caught up in things like facebook and planning my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend) rather than just taking time to slow down and listen. I constantly worry about whether or not I am doing the right thing that I don't even truly take time to listen to God. I don't know why I keep on coming back to this because I know the times when I really feel my best is when I abandon everything and really spend time with God. After spending quality time with God, the little things never seem as big as they did before. I know things will work out as they should and I shouldn't worry all of the time. I know I can't just sit back and watch God do all of the work but I need to start to listen a whole lot more and let him guide me rather than doing my own thing and hoping that it's right.

I spend a good amount of my time wondering if I am where I should be right now. I mean, what am I doing at a school with 40,000 other people? In a place that seems so big at times I sometimes feel alone. I'm not in a comfortable "bubble" where everyone has similar beliefs and values. I know I really need to get out of my comfort zone but sometimes it's so hard. I have met many people since I came here a year ago but haven't made one new real friend yet. That really makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I know I could try harder, but sometimes I don't feel like there's much of a point. Why do I want to force a friendship with someone I don't really click with? I know that sounds awful, but I have been blessed with truly great best friends so my standards when trying to make new friends are pretty high. I guess that's something I should think about a little more.

As much as I wonder if I'm in the wrong place, I really can't figure out where the "right" place is. I think of going to a Christian school but I really do not want to be stuck in a bubble. In a lot of ways my faith has grown so much in the last year. I'm sure if I were to go to a Christian school and be around be around more people I feel like I'm more like and people that I want to be more like, I could grow a lot, but I feel like I wouldn't grow much outside of that bubble. I haven't experienced it, so I don't know but I really don't feel in my heart that transferring to a Christian school at this point will answer my question. So for now, at least, I will stay here. It is just what feels right. I need to spend a whole lot more alone time with God, shed my fears, and really listen to what he has to say.

I am too tired to read back through this, so it may not make any sense. I think that would be okay, though. Not much makes sense to me at the moment.

Prone to Wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love.

These lyrics really get me. God is so amazing and I love him so much. Why do I act the way I do so often? I am always a negative person. All I do is complain and envy others and get so consumed with myself. I need to give my life to christ by living not just for myself. What is my life worth if I am so consumed with myself all of the time. I love helping others but it's something I need serve with pure humility. I always feel 1000x better when I just trust God with my life and not worry about little things on my own. Why can I not remember that?